Homesick

I've just finished an early supper/late lunch with my entire family.  I have one word to describe it: alone.  By NO fault of anyone there, it was excruciatingly painful to sit at the table of all the adults (my parents, grandparents, siblings & spouses) and be the ONLY sitting alone.  I HATE it.  My heart writhed in pain as I watched each one interact with their "best friend"... even to the point of needing to leave and shutting myself in my hotel room.  

I sat back with an undeniable grief, as each one came to the rescue or defense of their respective spouse in a moment of banter or typical sibling "teasing". I sat alone, unprotected & even feeling intensely vulnerable as the teasing was being appropriately reciprocated.  I even felt the annoyance and frustration that my humor causes with some members of my family.  This only exacerbated the existing pain as a lack of complete acceptance of who I am... 

That is the curse of having experienced the "just as I am" kind of acceptance... you become intensely aware when it is absent.  The bite of it is, that typically when you are loved that way, that accepting person is walking through life with you and you don't feel the "rejection" so deeply. Not so for me...

I am so tired of of being tired... hurting... being rejected... feeling inadequate... disappointing people... making decisions... being strong... being weak.  I'm tired of faking... putting on... being nice... fearing... striving... hearing "right" answers/explanations... feeling at all, most days. 

I want to be loved for me, ALL of me, without condition or expectation... led... cherished... held... respected... honored... LIKED... encouraged... laughed with... walked with... listened to... validated... worthy... snuggled... I want together.

I want to love, without condition or expectation, without fear of having my heart shattered... I want to serve... encourage... accept... respect... follow... laugh with... validate... listen... hold... like... esteem... snuggle... cherish... adore... I want together.

I keep hearing from the most well-meaning people that life will get better... that everything will be okay IF I do ______ and don't do ______.  How if I will give up_____ that I will gain______. Truth? I don't see it.  I keep hearing how there is "someone" who will love me like that and that I will adore equally.  I already know that.  Those same people insist that I am making the "right" choices and encourage me to keep putting one foot in front of the other... 

I am so thankful for their encouragement and support, I truly am... (yes, here comes the but) but they do not have to walk this road... they do not know this pain... they do not know that to walk this road is THE MOST difficult and painful choice of my entire life...

I want the BEST, for me and others,  I'm just not sure what that is anymore.

I want to go home...