This may sound overly dramatic, but I hate my life right now... everyone keeps telling me how I have this incredible opportunity to "start over". Maybe I don't WANT to start over. Maybe I thought I had a good life. Not everything I wanted, but good. And even now, I find myself longing for so much more than even what I thought to be good. I couldn't even go back if I had to... I don't think.
Starting over for me is one thing; starting over with children is something entirely different. They deserve SO much more...
How will they learn what a "godly" marriage looks like... how will they see it lived out? How will they KNOW that love CAN last forever? (now I'm bawling) How will they KNOW that their husband CAN (and should) be their BEST FRIEND?
I HATE this emotional roller coaster... every once in a while, I have just a brief few moments of thinking maybe there is more, the faith for something more, but it is SO brief, it's hardly tangible.
I know what I want, but I'm told to trust for more... but what I want IS more...exceedingly more than I ever had. Am I faithless?
My rational mind says to trust those around me, but my heart....
If my heart truly deceives me, then what is love? Is it merely a rational "choice"? I will be the first to say that love IS a choice, I've chosen it for years... but does that make it exclusively rational & intellectual? Is the heart ALWAYS deceived? What is the purpose of "feelings" if there is no use for them? I know we cannot be guided by them or there would be no morality or self control; the world would be chaos and a free for all. But what of the feelings of love that compel us to serve another, listen to another, encourage, cheer on, support, accept, kiss, hug, make love to and with, celebrate, share with, hurt for, be vulnerable with, even serving and worshiping Jesus... the longings for "together", together.
Seriously. What am I missing?
If my heart truly deceives me, then what is love? Is it merely a rational "choice"? I will be the first to say that love IS a choice, I've chosen it for years... but does that make it exclusively rational & intellectual? Is the heart ALWAYS deceived? What is the purpose of "feelings" if there is no use for them? I know we cannot be guided by them or there would be no morality or self control; the world would be chaos and a free for all. But what of the feelings of love that compel us to serve another, listen to another, encourage, cheer on, support, accept, kiss, hug, make love to and with, celebrate, share with, hurt for, be vulnerable with, even serving and worshiping Jesus... the longings for "together", together.
Seriously. What am I missing?
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