Random Thoughts

I am once again in my hotel room. I will confess, to my shame, that I have just left the "manager's reception" where I am sure I have had too much to drink.  I came up here to change my clothes and try to settle into the Ohio State game but have (shockingly) found myself here...

I have used EVERY ounce of self control today to not post anything on twitter today, trying to respect an "unspoken" request to stop.  I have been asked to change my password there but have been reluctant to do so.  I know I SHOULD... I just can't bring myself to do it.  Can't there be a "weaning"?  I don't know.  I guess I don't know much of anything...

Today was a "meet & greet" (ie: baby shower) at my aunt's house.  I was able to see two of my cousins to whom I have been most close and haven't seen in years.  I cried when hugging one of them goodbye.  I actually went to my senior year homecoming with him.  It was SO good to see and talk with him.  

We also had family pictures taken... I still struggle with this.  At one point my mother asked for all of the sons-in-law to come over to have a picture with all of their children (my sisters & I) and spouses.  She upon looking at me, immediately asked if I would be okay with that... I said "whatever" (in tears).  They didn't do it.  I feel like such a loser... a failure... a disappoint... a let down... a black sheep.  Have I ruined everything? Am I such a screw up that I have let my entire family down & they now have to walk around on egg shells?

This was supposed to be a GREAT weekend... AWAY... but I feel SOOOO alone.  Like I have had something amputated (and I have).  It's as though I am stuck in a wheelchair while I watch everyone else around me run... may I just confess here? Life sucks...

I don't even know if anyone even reads any of this... not sure it really matters.  Just need someplace random I guess to vent, express, share, unload, etc...

My heart is SOOOO broken...