Nothing Really

I really have nothing to say... not that it matters, because I seem to be the only here.  But to "pretend" that I'm talking to someone, even a stranger, sometimes help me sort out my thoughts, which are many,

I'm so thankful my niece is staying here awhile... I have so much going on that I can't keep it all straight.  Tomorrow, I go to the hospital to have further testing done.  I had some "irregularities" on some of my initial lab testing so they are going to do some more intensive testing.  I asked the doctor I work for (did) if she thought it possible to have literal heartbreak... she said she thinks so.

After my morning hospital trip, I'm heading in the direction of my attorney's office to hopefully have some time to work at getting all of my stuff together for my boss to transition more smoothly for whomever takes my position.  There won't be much. :(  

Then I head to my attorney's office to "finalize" the small print for the divorce.  Just writing that word feels like rejection... failure... I know all of the pat responses to that but they do not remove the sting. 

Wednesday I go back down to my doctor to follow-up on tomorrow's testing & then meet my (ex) boss for a later lunch to do those transitional things. (sidebar: I HATE disappointing people.)

I'm also not sure how to focus on any of that when I know, a dearest of friends, will be (is) fighting a battle of their own and I find myself yet again- helpless.  That seems to be becoming a theme in my life... why give me this desire Lord?  If I literally ACHE and am even pained, to help, rescue, serve, FIGHT for those I love, but am incapacitated to do so, then take away this longing.  

I am SO tired of having to "sit back" and watch people I love deeply get devoured by this life and I can do NOTHING.  

It's just all vanity, isn't it?  I have SO many questions... too many probably, so is suggested by others. It's not as simple as everyone (including me) wants it to be.  I was actually told yesterday that "it just makes me sad that you have dismissed God."  Dismissed Him?? NO. Angry? Yes. Confused? Yes. HURTING? Yes. Disappointed? Absolutely. But dismissed? No.  Even one of my questions is how people can go through devastating pain, loss, and levels of injustice without any question(s).  I must just be that faithless...

JESUS... I'm SOOOO tired of of watching people hurt... suffer terrible pain... seeing hope disappointed.  I'm tired of seeing loved ones be torn down, victimized, unloved, dismissed, misunderstood or worse, unknown.  Even I don't know who to trust or how... my heart has failed me (and others) countless times.  I'm not even forty yet (well, not quite) and already I've lived enough life that I want to be done with it...  I don't WANT to go on...  

I have been one to preach that we need to trust Your identity not Your activity, Lord; but in a fully confessional, raw place- I NEED to see Your hand move... move mountains... I've got nothing left... and feel horrifically terrified and alone.