Tonight I write from a place of deep sadness. I do not want to call it “depression” because
I do not want to speak something so potentially permanent over myself, but it
is indeed deeper than just a bad day. I
am actually quite despondent. I have
been experiencing some fairly significant health issues which seem only to
compound the darkness of my soul. I have not worked; I have not put on makeup; I
have not done my hair; and have only, out of necessity, showered and left my
house (one time of which will be a trip to the doctor tomorrow for more
testing).
Things have continued to worsen domestically, although every
time I think it impossible. I have been “awarded”
a level of support which is considerably less than expected, yet the response
has been than I am just like every other “angry spiteful” ex-wife and am being DEMANDED to give an explanation for "my" decisions. I did NOT ask for this… ANY
of it; anything that is being “fought” for is by the counsel of my
attorney, as to what is standard and due to my apparent inability to make
decisions to protect myself or what is in my future best interest and that of
my children. I may be a lot of things,
but SPITEFUL is not one of them. I have
loved, although not perfectly, for over 20 years… I have been betrayed,
rejected, unloved, unprotected, manipulated, intimidated and abandoned; have had
vindictive, spiteful and hateful actions and words hurled at and about me. I have, again while not perfectly, chosen to
love. Yes, I am angry! Infuriated to tell you the truth… but am NOT
spiteful. I’m not going after my “due”. I’m allowing someone else to fight for
me because I have not done so.
That is only part of my dejection. In this horrific season of my life, I have
made some sinful choices. Ones of which I NEVER deemed possible. But in those
decisions, came a temporary happiness.
While others call it a deceptive happiness, it was indeed happy. Times of great laughter, rest, quiet,
goofiness, reflection, acceptance, admiration, adoration, deep friendship, self-discovery,
and yes… love. I have never felt more accepted
and beautiful in all my life. JUST AS I AM.
I experienced the natural response to serve, love and encourage, yet now
it was actually being received! Not just
received, but acknowledged and appreciated, reciprocated even. BUT… it was sin. Sin? Truth? I am still baffled by it…
I HAD to walk away… just saying that causes my chest to ache
and my eyes to tear. In fact, I have not
stopped crying since that dreadful day. (I have now commenced to weeping…) It goes against EVERYTHING I am… to walk away.
I am a FIGHTER. I am LOYAL.
I love DEEPLY. Can I still say
faithful? But I have had to make the
MOST difficult choice of my life… the choice to fight differently, to be loyal
differently, to love for the RIGHT reasons, for selfless reasons (although
having started selfishly). I suppose
this is the death of dying to self… so much more painful than we EVER dream.
THAT is the deception.
I must tell you (whoever you are), I have “decided” in the
last couple of days that I do not ever want to love again… not this kind of
love. I will love my friends and family-
deeply- but I believe that is my limit for this lifetime. The pain of giving my
heart away is unbearable… I know, tis not the love that hurts, but the pain of
love broken. It is a death… there is no other way to describe this… but death.
I pray for redemption… forgiveness…
For those I love: I pray joy- intense joy, peace,
restoration, to love and be loved- deeply, wholeness and healing…
But for me today… I cannot even see the sun breaking through
anytime soon.
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